Sex - Round 1

I realised after the last few comments that the last poem I had on here was about rape. Not a very nice topic. So to switch it up I've written another one about the joys of sex :-D

I'm a little embarrassed and cringing putting this up. But what the hell. It's a little cheesy (ok a lot) so please dont crucify me if you read this. It's the first happy-ish/upbeat poem (if you can call it that - it's more like a gushy email I would write to my girlfriends) i've written in a while. I'm kinda tired of all the morose depressing ones. Sooo ... yeah.

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Sex – Round 1

I just had sex
And oh it was glorious!
I’d forgotten how much fun it can be
The feel of a man’s weight on top of you
The intensity of him
Thrusting away inside you
Ahhh the trembling of your thighs …

We did every position you can think of
He was soo masterful and determined
And so strong!
He flipped me this way and that.
Carried me and flung me all over the bed
On the floor,
Standing
Leaning against the wardrobe
On all fours, kneeling and pulling my hair …

He was way too big but I didn’t care
It had been too long a while
And I was insatiable
I knew that it was going to hurt in the morning
But when you haven’t had something this good in a long time,
It makes you greedy for more.
My mind was saying yes
Even as my body was breaking down on me

I am still luxuriating in the after glow
I love stretching
And feeling those unused muscles aching ever so slightly
I’m already thinking of Round 2
And I can’t wait!

The Invasion

Apologies … my mind went somewhere dark tonight. First time I post something in over a year and it's not pretty.

This is dedicated to all the women who have felt the ignominy of invasion – be it of mind, body or esteem. Our soul is ours, they can't touch that.

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The Invasion

I am screaming NO and struggling with all my breath

A pillow is shoved over my head so my cries are muffled.

There is no one to hear them anyway

He is soo big and strong

He pins my arms so easily with one hand

The other spreads my legs even as

I twist and kick with all my strength.

My entire being cries with shock,

As he shoves himself into me

The fight immediately dies in me.

All I can do is cry as he grunts and pants on top of me

I trusted him

I had been soo excited to spend time

Reconnecting with him

We had planned soo much for this trip

I hadn’t thought twice about staying over at his

Or having to sleep in the same bed as him

My torn pyjamas are testament to my naivety

With a loud moan he collapses on top of me

His weight crushes me and I can barely breathe

I am too broken to move or say anything

I have just been raped.

The shock of penetration jars me awake

I open my eyes to see him thrusting into me

I am too shocked to comprehend what is happening

My body shuts down and squeezes him out

He tries to push into me a couple more times

But eventually gives up and turns over.

I lie there and suddenly realise I am shaking

I can’t seem to stop it.

My body is reacting to what has just happened

Even though I can’t wrap my head around it.

I had gone to stay over at his from my night out

We had been seeing each other for a while

But I wasn’t ready to take the next step

We had made out earlier that night

But called it quits before it got too far

I thought it was really sweet how

He hadn’t pushed to go all the way

I fell asleep curling up next to him

Feeling secure that our relationship was progressing.

An hour later and I am still shaking

My eyes are streaming and bloodshot

I am too scared to close them.

Have I just been raped?

As soon as the door closes behind us

He is literally attacking my lips

His arms are crawling everywhere

In no time, my top is off and my trousers are undone

“Whoa! Slow down! What is the rush?

Unheeded, he continues to paw at me

With the sound of ripping fabric,

Alarm bells start to ring in my head

“Take it easy! No need to be soo rough!”

Next thing I know,

He throws me onto the bed.

Now wait just a minute …

I hadn’t signed up for this.

He is not listening to me whatsoever

So I now start struggling in earnest.

It only seems to excite him more

I cannot believe the speed and strength of him.

“Please just STOP! STOP! PLEASE STOP THIS!”

Even as I buckle with all my might

He pins my arms and wrenches my legs apart

He is lying between my legs and trying to free himself

He is too excited to take his pants off

Something clicks that he is actually going to do this

I start to pray out loud -

“PLEASE LORD … DON’T LET THIS MAN DO THIS TO ME!”

It must somehow get to him because

All of a sudden he stops.

He lies still for what seems like an interminable moment

With a deep breath, he sighs and rolls over next to me.

I immediately jump up and grab my strewn clothes.

Running into the bathroom,

I lock the door and try to compose myself.

I am a total wreck but I refuse to let him see

How much he has affected me.

When I eventually come out,

I pick up the rest of my things and leave without a word.

It’s only when I’m safely outside

I feel myself breakdown completely

I almost got raped.

I am curled up in a corner of the room

Counting the minutes till day break

I cannot wait till I can finally leave

And be back in the safety of my home.

This is actually all my fault.

I should have known better.

I knew he had a thing for me

Staying over would have been leading him on.

I felt bad that he had cancelled his plans with the boys

It was his birthday and I had promised to hang out.

I figured we’d have a few drinks,

Watch a movie, hang out and talk

Like usual.

I thought he was joking at first

When he said - “Take off your jeans”

Dumbfounded, I had to ask

“What do you mean take off my jeans?”

“I want to see your legs” he responded,

Very calmly and very matter of fact like.

I laughed him off thinking the alcohol was talking

I stopped laughing

When I found myself grappling with him

As he forcibly started pulling down my jeans.

Something told me struggling would spur him on

Anatgonize him into actual violence

As calmly I could muster I spoke up,

“What are you doing?

Whatever you’re thinking stop.

I am clearly saying no. NO!

I do NOT want you to take off my jeans.

I do NOT want to do this.

I am saying NO.

Think about what you’re doing.

I am very clearly saying No.

You cannot turn round later and say you didn’t know. “

With a sneer, he called me a spoilsport and left me alone.

I am rocking and hugging my knees for comfort.

Could I have been raped?

Insomnia

Hard to imagine that this is the first thing I'm posting this year. :-)

Apologies if this is one of those blogs that you keep checking sporadically in the hope that maybe ... some day ... It seems everyone has quit blogging now adays. I miss a lot of people :-(

I think my creativity is coming back to me - I kinda let it wither for it - so I'll be writing more. No promises as to regularity but I will write more (and finally finish reposting all my oldies)

Happy New Year!

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Insomnia

Insomnia
My lover, my best friend
Ok maybe not quite best friend as she can be quite capricious
But definitely one of my oldest,
Most constant, of companions.
I’ve dabbled in flings with all the forms of insatiability
Most notably alcohol, sex, sugar highs …
But they come and go
Insomnia stays true.
She’s always there when I need her
Those nights when my thoughts are all a-twirl
When the pain starts biting and prickling,
Attacking from all sides
Or when the void comes to visit
That empty, sinking, un-fillable feeling
Which sits heavy and toad like upon my chest …
Sometimes I reach out for sleep
But she is a fleeting floozy and way overrated
Besides, who wants that lack of control?
That total lack of awareness and vulnerability to the passing whims of the night?
That false peace which is all too quickly shattered by the simplest things like a sun ray
Or a car backfiring?
Pah! Sleep is for suckers
Insomnia makes me intelligent!
She forces me to read,
Watch television shows,
Catch up on the news,
Stirs up my creativity, (much like now)
Makes me be one with my thoughts
(Or at least gives me the time to actualise them).
Like all good relationships,
There is give and take.
My insomnia can be very demanding.
She drains me of energy
Leaving me tired and listless
Making me most unproductive and quick to snap
Not to mention a sense of constant irritability and impatience.
A few days in and I’m all sallow skin and dark circles.
She takes a lot, my insomnia
But with is all that compared with all the joy and love she lavishes?
I forsee a long and fruitful relationship ahead of us
Perhaps my best one yet.
I must go
Insomnia and I have a long night ahead of us.

The Armour

She stands on the cusp of entry.
The muted sounds of revelry thump through the walls
She knows as soon as she steps in
Eyes will swivel her way, perusing every last detail
The vultures will be waiting to strike
Searching for the slightest hint of fear
To dig in and rip her esteem to shreds

She takes one last look in the mirror.
Panic.
Fuck! Why didn’t I wear the other outfit?
I look ridiculous.
I have broken every law of decency.
My boobs are spilling out everywhere
My skirt is too short – overexposing my dimpled thighs
My ‘love handles’ are like spare tyres
My stomach is bulging most unseemly
Shit! I really should have skipped lunch as well.
People shouldn’t have to see a fat woman in ludicrous clothes
What was I thinking?

Its too late to turn back
Her friends are waiting.
Slinking home is not an option.
She’s here now.
It is going to be a fun party (sure sounds like it)
She will have to deal with it.

She shrugs off the insecurities before they overwhelm her
(Ok you can do this.)
Reaches into the deep well of her consciousness and stands up straight
Steels her nerves with resolve
Dons the chain mail of sophistication and poise
Slaps on the war-paint of glamour and icy regard
Straps on the shield of charm and the spear of intelligence.
She starts to exude that special quality that differentiates her
Her personality is bigger than the body that encases it
It bursts forth permeating her entire aura.

There is no need for a mirror
She knows she’s stunning.
She turns and wraps her self-confidence like a cloak
Sweeps the doors open and strides in majestically
The din of cheers and clamour of greetings is deafening
Her entrance is magnificent.

The doors shut behind her and all is quiet again.

Written July 2006

The Married Man

Another day another controversial topic. As always I feel the need to state this isn't about me. I recently watched SATC where Carrie slept with Big in his married bed and I was just watching Brothers & Sisters (an episode also about sleeping with married men) when this came to me. Why I couldn't get inspired by the weddingy bit (considering a friend wants me to write for his upcoming nuptials) I don't know.

Enjoy.

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The Married Man

I sank to a new low today
We did it in his house
I am beyond appalled at my behaviour
What has come over me?

I
The daughter of Kings
Queen amongst her peers
I
Have stooped
To fucking a married man
In his wife’s bed.

What has come over me?
I can’t claim
I didn’t know what I was doing
I can’t claim
I didn’t know he was married
I can’t even claim
I don’t know his wife!

What has this man done to me?
He is like a drug
One word, and I melt
One touch, and I lose all reason
One kiss, and I am his to do with as he sees fit

This man owns me
He possesses my body like he was born into it
He commands my being like I am a brainless acolyte
Subservient to his every whim
He has reduced me to this thing
This person that fills me with shame and disgust

However, this isn’t about him
He is not to blame
I have done this to myself.
I give myself to him freely and with joyous intent!

What makes this most pathetic,
Despite knowing all this,
I will
Still
Run to him!
When he calls.

The Dark Passenger

Me
She
Always with me.
I sometimes feel like I have two personalities.
I sometimes feel like this other totally different person takes over
It’s me and it’s not me
I would never cheat on my partner
Yet I feel no qualms about having another woman’s man
Some people see me as very quiet and reserved
Others think I’m very loud and sociable
In some respects I am a creature of habit
In others the soul of spontaneity

The Dark Passenger
She thinks things
Does things
Says things
Just because.
She has a cruel mean streak
That I can never justify or explain
She, it was
Who slapped Richard with every bite he refused to take,
Till he finished the food he wanted to waste
She, it was
Who ripped Becca’s bloated self esteem
Exposing the very essence of her self-worth
With an insouciance that was all the more devastating
She, it was
Who thought
I would love to stick a knife in your stomach
Gut you like a pig
See how much of a man you really are,
When your insides start to spew
And you choke on your blood
(Whilst I,
Whimpered and apologised
For giving daddy a reason
To attack and abuse me)
She was the one who wondered
Were mummy to die now,
Would we then be able to escape him and live some semblance of a normal life?

My Dark Passenger
For as long as I can remember
That voice that speaks to me
That instinct that warns me of danger
Heightens the awareness of my surroundings and environment
That aspect that takes over
Sometimes unbidden,
Sometimes unconsciously
She is usually very patient and silent
She forever watches,
Forever keeps tabs and records
Waiting until an opportunity arises
Until someone gives her an opening
Presents her with an excuse to take over
To unleash her fangs
People think they can mess with me
They grossly underestimate her
Deon still has the scars from our fight
Catherine keeps a safe distance after our encounter
It took 4 hours for the ranting and raving to subside

The Dark Passenger
Has a murderous temper that scares me sometimes
There is no sense of reasoning or rationale
She becomes feral
All she knows is to attack
Find a weak spot and tear at it as viciously as possible
I try and counteract her as much as I am able
I have no idea of the limits she would go
I have no wish to truly find out
I am however forced to admit
The dark passenger is me
A part of me
I try and fight her sometimes
But it is oh so delicious to just give in
Sublime to let go and let her do her thing
I luxuriate in the fear she elicits
The uncertainty that sparks up in people’s eyes
When they realise they have crossed the boundary
I relish sinking my teeth into their pain
And the agony I know I can impact.

My dark passenger
Forever fused, she and I
She is the yang to my ying

Work In Progress (Uncertainty)

I've started writing again - or at least getting ideas. I found this which I wrote a while ago but never got round to finishing or editing completely. I like it's unfinished state though - it gives it a frisson of disquietude which is what the character is also feeling. As usual I have two versions. My friend who read it thought it was one piece so I'll leave it as is. It is a lot shorter, you will find, than some of my other more indecisive ones ;-)

The structure of this was also inspired by Kafo. She writes beautifully but also does some amazing things with the structure of her poems which have such a powerful impact.
Hope you have a great weekend.

Uncertainty

A million and one questions going through my head
What?
Why?
Where?
A million and one times checking my emails
A million and one times checking for messages
A million and one times picking up my phone
What?
Why?
When?

A million and one times wondering what it was
A million and one times wondering why it changed
A million and one times wondering when all this happened
A million and one times wondering what the hell is going on?
A million and one times berating myself for doing this.

I sit here waiting
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting
For the umpteenth time
I check my messages
I pick up my phone
I put it down again
For the umpteenth time
I check my emails
I scan for new ones
I reread old ones

Thousands of questions riot through my brain
Millions of conclusions come racing to mind
Nevertheless, those overwhelming questions keep pounding at me
What is going on?
Why is this happening to me?
When did it all change?
Where is this all going?
How can I fix this?

So I sit here waiting.
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting.

Foreplay

Loll - I wrote this aeons ago. I know I probably shouldn't put it up as it's super explicit but I'm hoping I can slip it in without people noticing ;-)
Much like actual foreplay, it can be hit and miss. There are no guarantees I wont put it down again. Also sometimes like foreplay - it is very LONG! Hopefully you will be too swept away to notice.

P.S - I think I was inspired by Idemmli when I first wrote this. I had just started reading her blog and she is amazing. She TOTALLY puts me to shame with this. Please check her out for a view of how to REALLY write.

Sex – Foreplay

It starts with a touch
A gentle stroke down my back
He knows that’s where I’m most sensitive
His palm grazes the top of my arse
As his fingers trace up and down
Already I can feel my juices pooling.

I turn over and look at him
All I can see is soft delectable lips
Next thing I know we are kissing
Long deep kisses full of tongues
Twisting, inter-twining, thrusting
His hands are touching bare skin
I feel them slide up to my breasts
My nipples harden instinctively
They are painfully distorted
Until he cups them
Oh the bliss of his hands

My top comes off
He is nuzzling my breasts
Soft wet kisses initially
Then deep suckling as he gorges on them
One, the other and back again
Someone is moaning very loudly
With a start I realise it is me

He looks up to watch my expressions
Licking his way up my neck
He travels to my ear lobe
And bites
My head flings back as my back arches in pleasure
He thrusts his tongue into my ear
Heat, moist, delirium

I cannot take it anymore
I push him off and clamber on top
He is my prisoner to do with as I see fit
His chest is broad and wide
His little man nipples beckon invitingly
Slowly but purposefully I lick my thumbs and then my index finger
Bending, I tweak his nipples with my moistened fingers as I nibble along his jaw line
I start with little wet kisses
And bite my way down his neck
I continue down those broad shoulders
Till I arrive at his chest.
I try and draw on his nipple
He is very lean and taut, so there is not much to suck on
Instead I start to flick my tongue as fast as I can over that hardening point
His noises of appreciation spur me on.

Meanwhile, his hands are travelling up my thighs
They continue till he gets to my ass and discovers there are no panties
His hand slides over my pussy
He can feel the wetness trickling out of me
I look up to see the gleam of satisfaction in his eyes
This is when he puts his finger into that deep aching space between my things

I start to lick my way down till I hit his boxers
Due to the odd angle, his fingers slip out
But I’m glad.
I don’t need the distraction
Sliding his boxers down
I see a thatch of hair which spreads till his penis is exposed
The press of his boxers as I slide them off keeps it pressed down
As soon as he’s free,
It springs up and lies on his stomach
All those inches and girth just waiting for me to do with as I please.
I focus on his balls
I can see they look painfully engorged
Deciding they need some attention, I take them into my mouth
I am careful to roll them around gently
I don’t want him exploding on me too quickly
Coming up I can see pearl drops glistening at the head
In one feel swoop, I put his dick in my mouth
He is quite big so I have to open up wider as I slide my mouth down his shaft
I know he likes it
He is practically thrusting in my mouth

Coming up for air
I use my hands to stroke up and down as I sit straddling him.
Taking advantage of the situation,
He lifts and flips me over, pinning me beneath him
Holding on to my knees
He prises my thighs apart
Grasping my shaking limbs
He starts to kiss around the edges of my labia
Hearing my moue of anticipation
He launches at my clitoris
Licking, sucking, twirling

I am mewling and twisting the sheets
In almost direct mimicry of my assault on his nipples,
He starts tapping and flicking my clitoris frantically with his tongue
I go frantic with desire and grab hold of his head, pushing down
I am close and he can tell
My thighs are throbbing and I don’t think I can hold out much longer
He changes tactics to prolong my agony
Moving his head further back
He uses his fingers to hold me wider
He then sticks his tongue into my hole
And twists searching for my g-spot
He finds it and taps his tongue upward
As I was so close,
That movement totally undoes me
I come screaming and gushing into his mouth

Licking his lips, he smiles as he gets up
Unnoticed he reaches and slips a condom on
I am still clenched in the throes of passion,
Squeezing every last drop of my orgasm.
He stretches over me and cups my face
Looking into my eyes, he bends and kisses me
Spreading my legs apart
He finally proceeds to enter me with a deep forceful thrust.